Life is work

As I've said before I have been following the blog of another woman whom I don't even know for quite some time now. Her name is Jennifer McKinney and she lives in Minnesota. I started following her blog through a friend of mine and through reading her blog I decided to creat my own.

Jennifer is a mother of 4 small children all under the age of 4. Her youngest is almost 6 months old and was just in the hospital for more than 5 weeks with SVT (SVT is a rapid heart rate). It may not sound like much but it could very well be life threatening. After several weeks in the hospital in Minnesota, a bout of Rotovirus and numerous doctors it was decided that Stellan (the sick baby, in case you wondered who Stellan is) would be transferred to Boston Children's Hospital. Stellan underwent a surgical procedure called an ablation that by medical definition was a failure and continued to have episodes of SVT. Well to cut to the chase a bit...Stellan and his mom just arrived back at their home yesterday. He went for an EKG and some other testing this morning and all is looking great. You can see all of the details if you want at www.mycharmingkids.net

The story of Stellan has made me revist alot of things in life. I have come to accept my dirty house a little more these last few weeks. I am generally a very organized person who likes things in their place. I don't do clutter well. Laundry?? Do you have clean underwear? Then you're good to go! Dinner?? So long as we are all eating something remotely healthy...we're okay! :-) I am trying to spend more time reading books with Adriana, or playing games. I am trying to spend more time enjoying Jaxon's mischevious ways instead of finding ways to stop all of them. I am trying to spend more time listening to what Tori and Tina have to say and less time talking. And my husband...well that one I have a little more work. You see, I'm not perfect by any means, but I've always thought that I was a pretty good mom. I've always felt that it was the most important job I was ever going to have and the job that I did as a mom in raising my kids was going to set the gound work for my grandchildren, great-grandchildren and on down the line. (Just a little pressure, right?) So I've tried really hard to do the mother stuff right, though I still screw up sometimes and question myself often.

Anyhow, when it comes to my relationship with my husband I know I fall short. More often than I would ever like to admit...especially to him. ;) We've been together now about 9 years and I often wonder how? Well I know the answer is quite simple really....it is simply by the Grace of God. It is by his graciousness that I was brought together with this man and have then been blessed with this amazing family. I am very blessed and I know it. I was raised in a house where my mom "wore the pants" so to speak. Mom is the one who made most decisions, mom did the child rearing, and even did most of the house repairs. So when I met this man whom is now my husband I had some changing to do. I've struggled with letting him "take the reigns"...unless I want him to of course (then it's easy to do). That whole "wife be submissive to your husbands" thing they talk about at church...I don't do that well, just ask my husband. I'm working on it though. You see...I owned my own toolbox (full of tools of course and no, they weren't pink) and a cordless drill when I met my husband. I didn't need a man to take care of me. I could do it all on my own.

There have been alot of ups and downs along the way in figuring this out, but I do need a man to take care of me. I need my husband to love and protect me. To provide for our family. It's hard to admit that. (I think a light just came on in my head). It's hard to open up to someone in a way that makes me very vulnerable (my parent's were married almost 25 years when they got divorced). If I give myself to him in the way that I am supposed to then how do I protect myself. What if one day, 20 years from now, he changes his mind and decides "ahhh, no thanks...I think I'll be going now". Then what?? This is something I'm working on.

I'm working on the things that are really important to me, my relationships. With God, my husband, my children and the rest of my family. I know that the first place I need to start is with God....if I get myself in sync with him, the rest will seem like a piece of cake (chocolate of course). One day it will not matter what my house looked like or how clean it was. It will be the lives of all those that were touched when they walked through it's doors.

Thank you Stellan for awakening my spirit in sooo many ways.